did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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