So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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