tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
