Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
