Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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