I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
