ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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