We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
