Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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