life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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