I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
