Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
