In the future we'll all be gay
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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