i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am midnight drunk by noon
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
