Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
