i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
