i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
