had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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