Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
