Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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