I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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