I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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