Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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