dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
