just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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