Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i drank out of a bidet.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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