I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
