so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I need moral support for this bender
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
