Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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