I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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