you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
