If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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