Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
