i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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