there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
