he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's blow job season.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
