so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
