everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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