I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
