What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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