Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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