The maid of honor just puked.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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