Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
