My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
