If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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