I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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