i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Bring me that man meat
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
