last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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