just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
