how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
