just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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