her vagine was all disorganized.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
